Alienations (Parts I, II)
I don't know what this is. It's many-pronged alienation. My first question is: is this new, or has it been here the whole time? If it's new, then I have no idea what causal powers lie behind it; I'm carried by the current, struggling more for show than anything else. If this is actualyl a matter of greater sensitivity to myself, then I am in better shape. Maybe the system I'm applying is bearing fruit, but in so doing is carrying me across a valley which I don't want to traverse. And who does? Who wants to be desperately unhappy for what I can only imagine is a long time.
The problem, you see, is alienation. I think I've been able to put more of it in words; and before the words were coherent thoughts and trains of tohught; before those only vague inklings and longings. Maybe this whole post would have worked better as a dialogue. Dialoguess--quite obiously--mean inner dialectic, inner discourse and, inevitably, inner conflict. THey do not imply solution necessarily. They may be time-slices of larger dialogues. But I digress.
Alianation the first: my own sexuality. As much as I profess sex would be great if we could all be more mature, rational, detached, calm and cool about it, I'm mostly ding it to cover up what I feel to be the uncontrolalble within me. Let's say I get aroused on a dance floor; what should be--what is designed to be--a go-with-the-flow experience becomes instant inner turmoil. Because the executive part of my psyche still operates by some odd myths (in the perjorative sense). Chief among these is the "I'm in this for some transcendent reason: some drive to reality, some actualization of what is unlikely, frail, impossible and tragic in this world". This mythos cannot abide that I may get some immediate pleasure out of whatever meagre encounters I'm capable of having. In that, an erection becomes sin. I have an idea of what I need to do. I need to get away from the Abrahamaic framing of this whole issue and adopt a stance more congruent with a Dharmic approach, in which the natural law is, in large part, natural law. Is and ought try to merge and, while never succeeding, manage to hold the ambivalent balance of opposites to maximum effect. Hence I migth be able to summon up genetically-progarmmed animal lust as something complementing my more declarative transcendet aims. In other words, can I turn my lust into an art form? This is a good question that deserves more exploration. In that vein, I need to draw more parallels between how to do this and how gluttony can become epicureanism (in the degenerate, food-savouring sense).
Alienation the second: the night-world. Last term seems like a nostaligic time. I have never felt more retrospectively in the moment, flowing with experience than I did during September-December this year. The experiences I value woere more intense: the experience of seeing the city street for a soup of bustle, the experience of consciousness expading wine (parts I-XX); essentially, to see the world in a grain of sand. But also during that time I experienced two things I have never had before. One morning (and one morning only) I had someone to come home to, to greet me as I arrive after sunrise to flop down semi-unconscious on my bed, someone to throw a blanket over me, groan in the stinging rays of afternoon sun and hoarsely "what time is is?". I had a ready-made label for this years ago: the "experience of humanism". Maybe it's too cerebral, but it's the practical side of my head games: an actual appreciation of sleep-crud in the corners of someone's eye, a communion with the folded sheets, the leaching-out smells of over-thick skin oils. All this and more: the out-of-nowhere nostalgic pang upon rising, fear from someone sharing my space so closely, if only for a morning. The other thing I had never experienced was the torrent of dreams. Three, five times a week, movies in the mind: drama in wire cages, doomsday clocks, terrifying tales of creeping vampirism I attacked like a puzzle. Those seem to have gone, leaving me in the daytime world of consciousness feeling drained and bland. I miss those dreams and I miss what waited for me after emerging from dreams. Those pointed to experiences of value I ad no idea existed. At least, I had no idea they existed that strongly.
I'll end today with the ltwo couplets that got this word-train rolling several days ago. They're too stupid to be said, so they're sung.
Consider: "I don't know why nobody told you / how to unfold your love... I don't know how you were inverted / no-one alerted you."
The problem, you see, is alienation. I think I've been able to put more of it in words; and before the words were coherent thoughts and trains of tohught; before those only vague inklings and longings. Maybe this whole post would have worked better as a dialogue. Dialoguess--quite obiously--mean inner dialectic, inner discourse and, inevitably, inner conflict. THey do not imply solution necessarily. They may be time-slices of larger dialogues. But I digress.
Alianation the first: my own sexuality. As much as I profess sex would be great if we could all be more mature, rational, detached, calm and cool about it, I'm mostly ding it to cover up what I feel to be the uncontrolalble within me. Let's say I get aroused on a dance floor; what should be--what is designed to be--a go-with-the-flow experience becomes instant inner turmoil. Because the executive part of my psyche still operates by some odd myths (in the perjorative sense). Chief among these is the "I'm in this for some transcendent reason: some drive to reality, some actualization of what is unlikely, frail, impossible and tragic in this world". This mythos cannot abide that I may get some immediate pleasure out of whatever meagre encounters I'm capable of having. In that, an erection becomes sin. I have an idea of what I need to do. I need to get away from the Abrahamaic framing of this whole issue and adopt a stance more congruent with a Dharmic approach, in which the natural law is, in large part, natural law. Is and ought try to merge and, while never succeeding, manage to hold the ambivalent balance of opposites to maximum effect. Hence I migth be able to summon up genetically-progarmmed animal lust as something complementing my more declarative transcendet aims. In other words, can I turn my lust into an art form? This is a good question that deserves more exploration. In that vein, I need to draw more parallels between how to do this and how gluttony can become epicureanism (in the degenerate, food-savouring sense).
Alienation the second: the night-world. Last term seems like a nostaligic time. I have never felt more retrospectively in the moment, flowing with experience than I did during September-December this year. The experiences I value woere more intense: the experience of seeing the city street for a soup of bustle, the experience of consciousness expading wine (parts I-XX); essentially, to see the world in a grain of sand. But also during that time I experienced two things I have never had before. One morning (and one morning only) I had someone to come home to, to greet me as I arrive after sunrise to flop down semi-unconscious on my bed, someone to throw a blanket over me, groan in the stinging rays of afternoon sun and hoarsely "what time is is?". I had a ready-made label for this years ago: the "experience of humanism". Maybe it's too cerebral, but it's the practical side of my head games: an actual appreciation of sleep-crud in the corners of someone's eye, a communion with the folded sheets, the leaching-out smells of over-thick skin oils. All this and more: the out-of-nowhere nostalgic pang upon rising, fear from someone sharing my space so closely, if only for a morning. The other thing I had never experienced was the torrent of dreams. Three, five times a week, movies in the mind: drama in wire cages, doomsday clocks, terrifying tales of creeping vampirism I attacked like a puzzle. Those seem to have gone, leaving me in the daytime world of consciousness feeling drained and bland. I miss those dreams and I miss what waited for me after emerging from dreams. Those pointed to experiences of value I ad no idea existed. At least, I had no idea they existed that strongly.
I'll end today with the ltwo couplets that got this word-train rolling several days ago. They're too stupid to be said, so they're sung.
Consider: "I don't know why nobody told you / how to unfold your love... I don't know how you were inverted / no-one alerted you."
posted by A. D. at 10:37 PM
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